Post by flynn nolan rooney on Jun 12, 2012 9:59:39 GMT -6
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---IT WAS CRAZY, HOW FAST HIS LIFE HAD BEEN TURNED ON ITS HEAD. just a few months ago he had been blissfully happy. maybe slightly guilt ridden because of all the lies and deceit, but happy. ultimately, the lies kept everybody safe, right? so the guilt was void, it was excusable, or at least it had seemed that way to him. in hindsight, maybe his involvement in this whole normalcy half of his life wasn't such a good idea. just look at how everything had changed... how horribly it had accelerated into the darkest of places. people like flynn, who were born and raised the way he was, they weren't supposed to be a part of society, they weren't meant to blend in with the mundane, harmless lives of innocent people. all that would cause was corruption and pain, something he really hadn't realized until now, as naive as it sounded. the consequences hadn't occurred to him yet, now until an innocent third party was well aware of the situation and could openly voice her opinion about it. it was only then that he realized how selfish his lifestyle of choice had been. granted, he knew for a fact carly was no in danger because of him, and even if she had been he would have taken a bullet, or well, various bullets for that girl. the idea of her being hurt because of him was basically unbearable, and as long as his heart was beating, hers would be too.
just a couple months ago, his mum and pa had been alive. they were well, his mum calling him every other night to see how he was, lecturing him to try and stay sober for more than a few days and not overdo his binge limit. it seemed like yesterday that his brothers were asking when the next time he’d visit was. he could remember the way they'd ask about carly. they had never believed him when he explained they were just friends, not sleeping together, and he would try his best to quiet their assumptions. he remembered the dips his father made and the way they'd all watch sitcoms together. it was the small and simple things that he missed. the subtle little hints of happiness he hadn't cherished while they'd been prominent in his life. he had actually enjoyed himself. granted, he was a womanizing asshole sometimes, but he was happy with the permanent people in his life. he had a family, and he had carly as the sister he'd never gotten to have. so everything had seemed pretty ideal, despite the criminal world and the lies. sometimes he wished he could erase his not so legal background, but that was easier said than done. his entire life would have been simpler. nothing would be that net of lies and heartbreak. it made him physically sick, to think of the negative affect all of this had on people he cared about. his family was dead. every single one of them. his dad. his mom. all his brothers. granted, he had extended family, but those assholes hadn't stood up for his family when all that shit went down. as far as he was concerned, they were dead to him. he wanted nothing to do with them. and then there was carly and lily. they were his family too. he'd never considered that maybe it would hurt them. it wouldn't. he had to keep telling himself that. in another life, without blood and underground warfare, maybe he'd get married. have a kid. barbeques with old friends. that was all impossible now though.
at least he could protect carly, even if she wouldn't let him, he'd always be there, he'd always try. but his family? he couldn't do anything for them now. they were gone, six feet under. that feeling of helplessness was what drove him mad. he had no idea what was going on back in dublin, he hadn't even had a chance to try and save them. for some reason, he was so sure he could have stopped it from happening, that he could have kept their hearts beating. he just wished he could have gone back in time to save them, somehow. but he did nothing. he was enjoying himself in california while they were being slaughtered in their own home. the guilt overwhelmed him. some days he could hardly function because of how much he hated himself. he deserved to die, to be dead with them. a misty haze had blanketed his entire existence, black blood corrupting his once ruby liquid, his vibrant blue eyes molding into a dull grey. he had no reason to be alive, not really. one of them should have lived. all of them should have lived. he was supposed to be the dead one. if he could, he would give his life for them. but when suicide was a prominent option in his head, he always thought of carly. in some ways, he was even considering lily more. carly would be mad, but she would be better off in the long run without him, they both would be. but lily was so familiar with him, and he just... he couldn't put carly through the pain of having to explain to a little girl what happened to him. for some reason, ever time things got really desperate, he just thought of how lily would sit and watch star wars with him, huddled to his chest. that was the most powerful anchor in the world, right there.
so instead of doing something drastic, he drank. in a way it was like putting the bottle to his head and pulling the trigger, because one day his liver would fail because of his alcohol abuse. but it was slow, and for some reason, dying because you were an alcoholic was still more socially acceptable than suicide. he knew suicide was a selfish way out, at least alcohol was just... accepting life in the most numb way possible. he'd been drinking nonstop since carly threw her fist in his face. granted, he deserved it. but god damn it, that girl knew how to punch, and it hurt. he just didn't think they'd ever be okay again, and he didn't blame her. he felt awful about dragging she and lily into all of this. they didn't deserve that. carly was one of the most pure hearted people he knew, and he hated himself for knowing her, because he was one of the most selfish, black hearted people alive. he'd done some really horrible things over the years. he had a dark, scary, ruthless side. carly had never met that person. he liked to think she brought out the best half of him, but was it the real half? maybe it was, in another world where he didn't have blood staining his hands.
ever since his confession, well, he hadn't put the bottle down. skipping to whatever bar would serve him more alcohol when the previous one cut him off. it'd only been a few days, or at least he thought so. he really wasn't sure. he reeked of alcohol and cheap perfume. he'd been with a few women, although he wasn't sure how far. the most recent one, he actually just laid in her lap while they watched old cartoons in the middle of the night while she patted his head and let him puke in her trash can. he thought she went to the university, but he wasn't sure. god bless the nameless girl. especially since he had probably been an asshole to her. flynn sure loved his women though. but he didn't care about them. he used them for his own pleasure. he was a womanizer, yes, one of his many flawed qualities. the only permanent girl in his life was carly. caroline sutton. it was an impulsive, and extremely intoxicated decision to show up at her room at the inferno at three o'clock in the morning. hell, this would probably make her more mad, but he couldn't think straight. he looked disheveled, his tie halfway around his neck, his shirt partially unbuttoned, and one shoe untied. it was the epitome of drunken mess. when he got to the door, he knocked on it repetitively. he could hardly stand up straight so he sat down against it, incessantly knocking his head back into it, "carly," he called, thinking he was whispering but doing quite the opposite. he had a glass full of jack in his hand from down stairs, and he took tiny sips between her name. "carly, i'm sorry," he blurted into the door, slurring his words. god, he was pathetic.
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(STATUS) finished. (TAGGED) carynn<3 (WORDS) 1,446 (OUTFIT) click. (COMMENTS) sorry for the wait. (CREDITS) lyrics; "silence & sirens" the narrative.
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