Post by madge on Nov 20, 2011 17:20:18 GMT -6
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---SHE’D BEEN STARING AT THE CEILING FOR HOURS. it was so white. everything in these little psychiatric hospital rooms were white. the ceiling, the walls, the floor, the beds. it looked so clean. what about somebody who had a phobia of the color white? there had to be somebody out there, so where on earth to they go? they must have some special black room for those people. she didn't like all the white, personally. it gave her a head ache, and it made her feel like a crazy person. the only thing that had color to it was her own belongings, really. that and the bathroom. she resented being there, in the little room for patients with psychological disorders. it wasn't the firs time, she'd been doing this sort of thing for the past six months, but she was done. they should let her go already, she didn't need to be transferred straight into another four walls of crazy just because she was in another state. her doctors thought maybe being so close to where it all went wrong would trigger something bad, but she felt fine, or at least no worse than she had been lately. her manager was going to come get her in the morning and she would be released, but those six hours until nine o'clock seemed like an eternity away. she couldn't sleep. it may have been dark, but such a white room could never be darkened all the way. technically, she wasn't a patient anymore. she could sign herself out whenever she felt like it... but she didn't need that sort of publicity following her around. madge taylor signs herself out of rehab. good headline for a pathetic tabloid. nah, it was worth waiting to stay undercover. and her manager would flip a lid too, something she definitely didn't want to deal with now or ever. she was nagged at enough. her first night in valkyrie, california, her first night in six months away from that rehab. center and she was still stuck in a hospital room. this was stupid. she wanted to go out and do something spontaneous. nothing dangerous... just something she hadn't been able to do for six months. anything.
the decision was made in her head before she'd even realized it. the girl was already out of the bed, taking off the ridiculous hospital gown and putting on her sweats and a t-shirt. she grabbed a solid black hoodie and slipped it onto her torso. she slipped on a pair of flip flops... it wasn't cold outside in california in the middle of june. she grabbed her phone, and left the spacey white room. the hall was empty, only every other light was on, and it shown dimly. it was two-thirty in the morning. she could hear soft, tired voices in the hall. she crept over in silence, desperate not to be heard. her manager was going to kill her if she found out she was doing this, but hell with it. she was tired of being treated like a sick person. as she peeked around the corner, she could see two nurses talking with their backs turned. madge didn't dare take the elevator, she'd be caught before the door even opened. hopefully none of these late night doctors and nurses were health nuts and took the stairs at two thirty in the morning. if they did, they were the ones who needed to be cooped up in a boring little room. she danced lightly across the linoleum floor until she reached the door that lead to the stair case. as quickly and silently as possible, she opened it and slid through, lightly moving down each step, praying nobody would be coming up. she got to the base floor, and slipped by the door again, feeling her heart beating in her chest. it was so loud she was afraid it might give her away. she entered the main lobby unnoticed, putting on her hood and heading towards the entrance. "excuse me?" somebody said behind her. she turned around, looking downward at the person's shoes. crap, she was caught. "do you know where the restroom is?" fate was on her side today, that was for sure. she answered quickly, "around the corner, first door on the right." she wasn't sure that was where the bathroom was, but that's where she thought she saw it when she'd arrived yesterday. the woman said thank you, sounding totally exhausted before wandering away. madge all but ran to the exit before getting outside into the open.
a rush of freedom overcame her. she was outside with not a soul watching her. nobody cared who she was or what she was doing. the liberation was like ecstasy beating through her veins. the only issue would be getting back in her room before anybody noticed she was gone. did you know how many times she had been able to do something totally for herself and unsupervised in the last six months? well, not often enough. she couldn't even think of a specific moment. it was drizzling a little, a summer rain coming on. madge loved the rain, it was one of the few things she could still love. she turned her palms upward and her face towards the sky. her blonde hair fell back as the water dappled her skin. before she could really enjoy it she heard the ambulance sirens, and noticed one was pulling in. the girl tucked her hair and head back into the hood before taking off away from the hospital. she wandered the sidewalk, careful not to go anywhere near a late night bar. that screamed bad idea. a taxi was driving towards her and she stood on the side of the road and waved. it stopped hesitantly, almost surprised. the passenger window rolled down as it pulled over to the curb, "hi," she said simply. it was an old man. he was foreign, by the sound of his voice he was from somewhere in europe. he didn't seem to recognize her, thank god. "miss," he nodded reluctantly. he seemed to be worried she was some sort of insane person. oh well, she was used to that. "could you take me to the beach? i only have twenty dollars on me." he stared at her for a second be nodding gruffly, "well, get in then." she opened the door to the vibrant yellow car and slid into the seat. the man didn't speak to her anymore, and she returned the favor.
the rush of doing whatever she wanted was intoxicating. she knew she couldn't have this unless it was in secret. even when she was officially "released" tomorrow, her manager would be watching her like a hawk, so would her family, and the press. they would all be scrutinizing her every move until they were convinced she wouldn't try anything stupid again, until she gave them a come back they couldn't deny. well, they could quit holding their breath. but tonight nobody was watching her. tonight, nobody knew. people didn't recognize her, nobody even knew she was gone. in fact, nobody knew she was back in california aside from her family and her manager. this little run was totally incognito. hopefully nobody caught her though, they'd probably write some story about how she went to the beach to drown herself because it hadn't worked out so well the first time. it was things like this that made her want to revoke her fame, or infamy per se. she couldn't take one step, one breath without somebody watching her. yeah, she tried to kill herself. she did horrible things, things that she would never be able to forget about because around every god damn corner somebody was going to get up and remind her about it. she had to live every day of the rest of her life knowing that she had been weak enough to do it. she failed, but she still tried. every morning she had to look into the mirror and see how pathetic she was. that was how everybody else saw her, wasn't it? her fans were faithful. she was still astounded by the encouraging mail she had received while in rehab. there was probably a lot of negative letters too, but there was no way her family was going to let that get into her hands. some people had already forgiven her, some already felt for her... but humanity was cold and generally held a grudge.
the cab suddenly came to a jerky stop, "careful young lady," the driver warned simply as she handed him the twenty and got out. she stood on the street and watched the yellow taxi drive away and turn the corner. caring about strangers? she'd thought that was a dying breed. shrugging it off slightly, she turned around and skipped out onto the beach. she took off her sandals quickly, holding them in her hands as her toes sank into the damp sand. the rain was warm, and comforting even. there was nobody else on the entire shore. maybe they'd been smart enough to stay away when the weather was less than perfect for those stereotypical california hearts. pulling her hood off her head, she looked up again, closing her eyes. it was a slow rain, quiet and gentle. they never, or at least not usually, got real rainstorms out here. just some dampness. the warm drops slid down her face. she missed this, the simple things like this that still made life worth living. in some ways, rain would be an ideal role model. it fell from the clouds, pure as a newborn child. it was clean, it smelt good, and then it fell to the earth. it got dirty, was contaminated by the world. but somehow it always found its way back up into the clouds again, falling from the sky as good as new. madge taylor knew herself, and she knew she wasn't ever going to be good as new. life was never going to be as good as it once was. as much as she hated to admit it, she was damaged, and she always would be. she was never going to forgive herself, even if everybody else did. but she would never be that weak again, or at least she hoped not. maybe she could at least be stronger. it wasn't likely though. she was swimming in despair. she couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed, or smiled. really smiled. her life was over. she may still be there physically, but she checked out almost a year ago.
sauntering down to the water, she bent over to roll up her sweat pants, stepping into the dark little waves. it was cold, encircling her ankles almost like it wanted her to come in further. she paced back and forth in it, continuously digging her feet into the wet sand. her blonde hair was damp, clinging tightly to her freckled skin. this was about as good as it was ever going to get. was it pathetic that the happiest moment from here on out would be sneaking out of a hospital and dancing around on a beach? maybe, probably. she was still heartbroken about everything. being on stage made her feel like she was flying, soaring. it was a high nobody could bring her down from, nobody but herself. she knew it was why she was brought back here, to show everybody what she was made of and become the supernova star people thought she'd have the potential to be. well she didn't want it anymore. she didn't want any of it anymore. she didn't want the crowds, the movies, the premieres, the fame, the applause, the parties. she didn't even want the music anymore. it had been an enormous part of her life, something she wouldn't haven given up for anything. she'd loved music since she was a little girl, but now it was like an iron hot dagger being pressed into her heart. she couldn't make herself love it anymore, because it was a reminder. it was a reminder of the happiness she couldn't have anymore. she didn't want that. all madge wilhelmina taylor wanted was to stare at the moon's reflection on the ocean, to feel the water massaging her feel, to embrace the sound of the waves and nothing else, alone on this beach.
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(STATUS) finished. (TAGGED) whoever (: (WORDS) 2,069 (OUTFIT) lazy; white t-shirt, baggy black man-sweats, black hoodie, black flip flops. (COMMENTS) rough, but i love her already <3 (CREDITS) that banner sucks. i didn't feel like making something better though. oh, credit to me.
