,, just how fragile

[flynn nolan rooney]

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---PART OF HIM WAS TEMPTED TO TURN AROUND and never come back. it couldn't be safe to involve her in any of this, with him. she had no idea, and it was better, right? she shouldn't be brought into any of this, it wasn't right. but then again, he wasn't even really a part of it himself anymore. sure, he had the dark empowering urge to shoot something, but he wasn't a part of the whole anymore. that wasn't his life anymore. they wouldn't come looking for him because he wasn't important, just some kid upset about his family. he hadn't betrayed them until they betrayed him, so he was none of their damn business. but he couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't the end of his association with the criminal world. who was he kidding... it definitely wasn't. the entire trade was a part of him, it electrified his body like his own blood. how twisted did it make him that he didn't hate the darker part of his world... that he liked it, even. it was something he'd grown up with, and the slaughtering of his blood only rooted him more deeply into it. he was going to die a criminal. somebody like her didn't deserve to be around somebody like him. but she was his best friend, she was the only family he had left, and quite frankly, he was much too selfish and much too lonely to let that relationship go. and it wasn't like she wasn't already in trouble. he'd been suspicious of her involvement with the russians as soon as he heard her mention the name jamie collins. even being acquainted with somebody like that train wreck was a danger to your wellbeing, and when things took a turn for the worst, at least she'd have somebody standing behind her with a gun pointed at her enemies, though hopefully it'd never come to that. because as much as sam loved her, which was clear, flynn could have told you that blind, sam wasn't in on the dirty little secret, was he? and then the paranoia set in that maybe he was the only one out of the loop since they all thought he was normal. just the average joe from ireland. and then what if carly was collateral damage to collins screwing with people like a little slavophil slave would surely be commanded to do. the idea of it made him jittery.

caroline sutton was like a sister to him, and to somebody who had nobody, that meant a lot more than most people would understand. they were like family, and as far as flynn rooney was concerned, carly was his family. he loved the girl, not in a romantic sense at all, but in a sincerely brotherly way. she was the reason he was in valkyrie again after the short visit he'd made to her a while back to check in on she and her family. valkyrie wasn’t his home, he'd only visited once, and while it was beautiful, it wasn't his favorite place in the world. but his two closest, and only real friends were there. regan was the only other person he was as close to as carly, and he'd known the guy for years... since he was a kid. carly he'd only known for the last year or two, he was bad with time estimation, but they'd connected so quickly, like two pieces to a puzzle. it was weird, especially considering the whole relationship had started out with him hitting on her and carly not exactly taking the bait. they'd become dance partners, and it was history from there. could anybody blame him for being drawn back to valkyrie? when he'd gotten back to dublin, there hadn't been much waiting for him. he could still smell the death, the dampness in the night. it was like the blood was stained to the inside of his eyelids, because every time he closed them, it was the only thing he could see. everybody was dead. his parents. his brothers. and yet nobody had noticed until flynn came home to visit and called the police. it was clear who the culprits were, and flynn found himself going through a dark phase. if carly had called him, he probably hadn't answered. he sat around the pub where his entire family had been murdered and drank all the booze alone in the dark. and then one day somebody offered to buy it, so he accepted the offer and found himself buying a plane ticket to valkyrie. it wasn't like he could take on the entire mob by himself, and as much as he hated to admit it, he still had a small tether to them. it wasn't that easy to cut. but as for his career with them? that was over. he'd gone rogue, basically. he would stab them in the back willingly. nobody had defended his family, not even those damned selwyns they'd sided with. as far as flynn was concerned, the entire irish mob could go to hell.

he could see his reflection in the bottle sitting on the counter of the hotel room he'd gotten. yes, first day back and he had already bought his alcohol. but he knew carly hated it when he was sloppy and drunk, or drinking at all since he was sort of a problem drinker. he had made the decision that if he came back, he had to be honest with her and tell her the truth. plus, he didn't like the idea of her and james collins. he hadn't kept up on people's magazine's latest hookups during his absence, but they seemed to be going down a romantic-ish path when he bowed out. or maybe that was paranoia too, but regardless, shouldn't he get a say in it? but carly deserved to know who he was and where he had been, though he didn't plan on telling her about the mass murder of his family quite yet. that would seem like a little too much to drop on her, and the first half might be overwhelming enough. it would be selfish to not let her sort out her feelings about his second job before guilt tripping her with a sob story. that wasn't right, and as dark as his world seemed, for some reason he couldn't bring that darkness around carly. not her, not lily. they were his family, and family had always meant the world to flynn, so no, he wasn't going to let the shadows touch them. the tar would stay off their hands, because the idea of it was almost unbearable. he didn't want to kill them too. and so he decided not to take the drink. at least not right now, because carly didn't deserve to have to clean up after him either. she knew he was an alchie, but he respected her enough to not do it, at least not in her presence. just like how he couldn't ever drink in front of his mother, because those eyes always made him want to spit the poison right out of his swollen cheeks and back into the glass. did women have to be so good at making their case, and those simple "please" eyes? he couldn't handle it. as big of a charming womanizer he was himself, the ones he cared about could get him to do almost anything. especially a girl he considered to be his sister when he had nobody left.

”alright thank you, yeah, i’ll drop by later,” he chuckled softly, ”bye.” his hand reached for the little gift box on the bad, sticking it into his messenger bag, his very manly one. it was a present for carly, some family heirloom of his mom’s he just couldn’t get rid of, and she was the closest thing to family he had left. he hung up the phone and rushed out of the apartment. impulse; it was how he governed most of his decisions lately. which was strange, considering he was the plan it out type of guy. there was a vague plan in action, and he'd put a lot of consideration into it, but to ambush her? well, it wasn't really an ambush. but she wasn't going to know he was coming. her mom had told him on the phone that she was at astaire, practicing. just like carly. he got a bus to that part of town, and easily slipped into the building. it seemed deserted except for the music coming from the main auditorium. flynn moved quietly, although he was pretty sure she wasn't going to hear him. sneaking into the backstage area, he moved behind a curtain to see carly dancing. alone. there was nobody in the building but her and him apparently, and he was thankful for that. he couldn't help but smile watching her. as bad as things had been, seeing his best friend made it better. he'd missed having somebody to joke around with and exchange stories to. she moved closer to his side of the stage, so close he could have reached out and touched her. her eyes were clothes, and impulsively he moved out of his hiding place and joined into the dance, placing his hands on her hips from behind and lifting her into the air, "hi carly," he laughed, though it was somber. there was a sort of listless disposition in his eyes, his smile almost forced, but not quite. he let carly down and pulled her into a hug as she turned around. may as well let the welcome wagon go on for a bit before he got into the nitty gritty stuff. the smiles and hello's couldn't last forever.

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(STATUS) finished. (TAGGED) carly! <3 (WORDS) 1,623 (OUTFIT) click. (COMMENTS) so overdue. and it sucks. go me o-o (CREDITS) me on it all. lyrics from garrett hedlund's "timing is everything."

[/justify]

[caroline isabelle sutton]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 20px solid #7D463F; border-bottom:20px solid #7D463F; border-top:20px solid #7D463F; border-right: 20px solid #7D463F;] so many people had just been leaving her. right and left they were walking out of her life. carly didn't understand it one bit. why could people not stick around with her? did she smell? was she crazy and didn't know it? maybe she was starting to sprout gray hair or something and she just looked old and ragged. whenever she looked in the mirror carly was sure she didn't see such a thing but maybe mirrors lied. carly had seen far too many disney movies lately so maybe she, in part, believed that her mirror had been cursed to show her everything in a world she hoped looked right but really was a mess. that was silly and she knew it but what else could explain it? jamie and flynn were gone just to name a few. they'd dropped off the face of the earth leaving her to wonder what in the hell did she do wrong. jamie, well jamie she could understand. he was a criminal and he was always so hard to read. it was possible he'd never given a damn about her and had wanted nothing more than to just get away from her. jamie she didn't really question because she didn't know him that well and that wasn't anyone's fault. they had been new...acquaintances. she had only met him a few months ago when she'd wound up making out with him behind bad seeds and he'd given her a fake name. that should have all been clues that this was meant to be trouble but she hadn't listened to that little cricket of a conscience. she hadn't listened to anything but her body which had wanted him so bad and without reason. yes she'd gone without being with anyone for a long, long time before she'd met jamie but it wasn't just a lack of intimacy problem. carly wasn't jumping every guy who looked at her sideways. in fact she hadn't been jumping anyone at any time. but she felt something where he had been concerned, something she knew she shouldn't feel for obvious reasons but still to this day could not fight. she wasn't in love with him. she would be crazy to say that she was in love with him but had he stayed. had he stuck around. she could had seen herself falling for him faster than she'd ever thought possible. maybe it was for the best that she hadn't. after all what she'd felt for him had blinded her to who he really was. he was a killer, a cold-blooded killer, and yet she couldn't turn away from him. jamie's leaving had allowed her a chance to breathe and realize that his being gone was better for her family in the long run. but that didn't mean that she really wanted him gone. she couldn't bring herself to want that. flynn on the other hand made absolutely no sense. why would he just up and leave her. they had been friends for years since she'd won that competition and he'd been there with her. he'd been her best friend and he'd been a father figure to lily, something she seemed to like collecting over the years. carly had to wonder if she wasn't doing more harm than good, bringing this many men into lily's life. it wasn't like they walked right through though with two men missing it certainly seemed that way. it wasn't like she was one of those coke addicted hookers with three children who watched her get high and screw man shamelessly just so she could get on her next high. that wasn't the case at all. if carly had ever thought she would be so damaging to the psyche of her child then she never would have taken her from her adoptive family. she never would have even gone looking for her if she didn't think that she could be a good mother and do for her what any respectable, mature woman could do. as far as carly was concerned she saw herself as the epitome of mature. she was twenty years old and taking on things that women ten years older than herself had yet to try and she figured she was doing so successfully though she was always concerned with what might happen in the future. but what mother didn't worry about how she might affect her child in the long run? what mother didn't sit up nights wondering if she'd made some huge mistake or that she was too accepting of some facts to make her daughter susceptible to such things in the future. the repercussions of the life carly had put her daughter through had the possibility of being great. if she took her mother's actions the wrong way and saw her as having tried to hard in the future or something it was plenty likely that lily could open herself up to a world of hurt. she didn't want that. carly didn't want that for her child in the slightest. she could only hope that treating these people like friends would show lily that it was alright to have a lot of people in your life who you trusted. it was okay to allow your heart to be open to other people. even if they always seemed to leave you. she couldn't for like life of her understand the reason why flynn would leave her without a word. he had meant the world to her and he'd known that and she'd trusted him more than life itself and he knew that. and still he was gone without a trace. maybe there really was something wrong with her. despite it all, carly still had a job to do. she was still a famous dancer and she still had to do practice at least daily to make sure she wasn't losing her touch. she'd been at astaire for about an hour, sweat beading on her forehead as she let her body move with the music. her body moved fluidly and contorted in ways that seemed almost seamless. it was one of the reasons why she'd been so beloved on the first season of american dance. she'd moved like no one else on that stage. it hadn't looked like she was counting in her head or desperately trying to remember her moves. she simply moved like it was her nature because she loved it so much. god it seemed like forever since that day, the day she'd won it all, and still people knew who she was. still people remembered her. she even had one of those websites dedicated to her every move, her life with her daughter, her love life, etc. people were still fascinated with her, which ceased to defy all logic. still carly didn't care about the fame. she only cared about the dancing and making a better life for her daughter. just as she was coming out of a spin carly felt hands on her waist and felt herself being lifted into the air. for a moment she thought her mind was playing tricks on her but still she felt hands on her as she heard a familiar voice. she turned around the minute her feet hit the floor feeling familiar arms wrap around her. "where the hell have you been?!" she said in a rush as she hugged him back, burying her head in his neck as she held him close. she was mad and she could have just as easily pushed him away and hit him for just up and leaving her like that but she hugged him instead. she couldn't help herself. despite everything she loved him. he was like a brother to her and one who she didn't fear telling her he was in love with her. flynn truly was a best friend to her and she couldn't be mad at him long. she pulled away from him as she grabbed the remote from the edge of the stage and killed the music, turning back to flynn. "no goodbye? no note? no nothing! i should have sent someone after you to find you. where the hell did you run off to?" she said as she grabbed a towel and mopped off her face and neck, now that the initial happiness was gone she could be somewhat critical of the man who had just up and left her with no warning. "you and everyone else i know seem to be running away from me. what the hell happened?" notes, I miiiiissed them too! word count, 1,420 thanks brooklyn from caution

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[flynn nolan rooney]

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---HE FELT GUILTY, REALLY, HE DID. it wasn't like flynn had intended to leave carly in the dust without a word, because he loved the girl with the entirety of his heard. he did. he knew the stress she'd been going through with jamie and sam, the conflicting emotions going on. he knew she'd needed somebody to talk to, the one guy in her life who wasn't going to run up and profess his undying love for her. well, actually, flynn couldn't see james collins doing that, but he knew there was some sort of relationship like thing going on in there. regardless, she'd been stuck in some weird little love triangle, and he left her alone to sort it all out. not only that, but she'd deserved a goodbye. carly was the best friend he had. when he'd shown up at her hotel room in the middle of the night, she had no problem letting him crash there. she was always there for him, and when she needed him, he'd failed to be there for her. he failed to contact her at all during his absence, and he honestly hadn't expected to be welcomed back with open arms. that was kind of a lie, actually. he knew carly like the back of his hand, and she was one of the sweetest, most loving, and honestly quite maternal people he had ever met. it gave him no excuse, but carly was one of those friends he felt like would always be happy to have him back. but that didn't change the fact that there was a ton of remorse swelling up inside of him. in fact, knowing that carly would undoubtedly forgive him only made him feel worse, because in reality, he knew any other person would be pissed at him, and they probably wouldn't get over it for a while. carly deserved better than that. she really did. she was a heart of gold in this messed up world, one of the good ones, and she didn't deserve to be dragged down by all these people. the only relieving thing about breaking off from the mob was that he didn't really feel like a criminal anymore, at least not an organized criminal. that had to count for something, right? at least he could be a semi-normal friend... couldn't he? anyway, he had to tell her the truth.

it was a few months ago when he'd left. he'd still been crashing with carly when he'd gotten the phone call from a family friend that he needed to get home, and as soon as possible too. they'd hinted toward what happened to his family, and he couldn't really fathom what was going on, he could still feel the sheer panic. he'd left without a goodbye, and he'd felt horrible, but he hadn't even realized the urgency with which he departed. he hadn't intended to hurt carly. but he'd been so worried, and for some reason he'd still had this miraculous notion in his head that he could get there in time to help, to do something. he didn't know the extent of the damage at the time, and that was why he'd driven into los angeles because they had a flight to new york leaving sooner than valkyrie's own local airport, and from new york he transferred to get across the atlantic and onto ireland. he could relive that day if he let himself. the memories were still fresh, probably because everything between then and now had been a blur. he could hardly remember what had gone on in between the two points in time. but it wasn't an easy thing to do, walking in on a pool of blood that came from your brother's temple. eight people. eight people were dead in that house, from his sweet mum down to his nineteen year old brother. nineteen years old. he'd hardly been able to live, to even get out of his teens. he was hardly even a part of the business. and his mum, she hadn't even been involved in it. her hands were white as snow. yes, she had a vague knowledge, but her fingers had never touched a trigger. and then rest of his siblings... his dad... everybody was gone. they were all dead and gone, and there was nothing he could do about it because he'd been too late. after that, after getting them all settled and having the funeral he could hardly function. as bad as it sounded, carly wasn't really a part of his thought process. then again, he'd felt completely numb. it would have been impressive for him to think about anything aside from the whiskey. a part of him was scare that maybe this would affect her just by association. but the irish weren't like the russians. they didn't kill bystanders to enforce submission. they didn't have the resources to get away with that sort of bullshit.

when things had cleared up and he'd settled all his family's things, that was when everything from before the tragic even suddenly ran up and slapped him across his pathetic face. he felt guilty about leaving her without a goodbye, and he felt guilty about not being there for his family. he had this idea in his head that if he had been there he would have been able to save them somehow, that he could have gotten them out of the ordeal alive. in reality, if he'd been there he probably would have just been killed along with them. a small part of him wished he had been. at least he wouldn't feel this way, but it killed him to think of carly finding out that he'd been murdered. no goodbye and then gone forever? that was no way to depart from your best friend. though he was terrified to come back to her, mainly because he was scared of losing her. not to the irish, because like he said, they didn't have the resources to pull off that sort of bullshit, especially not in the united states, and especially not to somebody as famous as caroline sutton. but he was afraid she wouldn't be able to look at him anymore. sure, he could not tell her and forget about that part of his life, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to keep up the lie. it didn't feel right, and he thought she deserved to know. she deserved to be safe. she deserved to know the person she'd trusted with her life, because that sort of trust would fall apart. and what if somebody spilled the beans about him? then he knew she might not be able to forgive him. at least if he told her the dirty little secret himself, it seemed a little more honest than being outted by some russian scumbag. but if he treated carly right, flynn couldn't really complain. she was like his sister, and more than anything, he just wanted her to be happy, even if she spent her happily ever after with james collins. perks of being the best friend was that he had to be happy, because he wasn't in love with her, he just loved her. she probably knew him better than he knew himself, which was probably why she'd been so freaked out that he left. it so wasn't him, he wasn't a deserter, especially when it came to people he cared about. however, desperate times called for desperate measures.

his expression softened when she hugged him back. it felt like second nature to jump in and dance with carly. she was the last person in his life that he really cared about, and he'd half expected her to hit him and avoid the hug, but she didn't, and he smiled sadly. a laugh escaped his lips when she asked where he'd been, not genuine laughter, but more of a sheepish sort of gasp. she pulled out of the hug to turn off the music. he didn't say anything while she spoke, just watched her as he stood there awkwardly, and listened. he felt like crap, and he deserved to. he was glad she was at least a little mad, because it made it better, easier. he wanted her to be mad at him, because he deserved for somebody to be mad at him, and quite frankly, she was the last one alive to take care of that job. "i'm sorry, carls," he mumbled, wringing his hands together quietly as he listened. he and everybody else? who else had left? that wasn't the point though. but he felt bad, he felt really bad, especially knowing she'd had more than one person walk out on her, apparently. he should have been here for her. he should have been here for lily. was it selfish of him to run off without a word? he was starting to lose track of what any of this meant. "carly," he said again, more definitive, his hands up in the air in front of him, "i have something to tell you. you're not going to like it, but i have to...i can't keep this from you." he turned his back toward her and looked around the stage. how did you start something like this? "i'm... i'm not the person you think i am, carly, there's a lot you don't know," he turned around to meet her eyes, "just," he paused, frustrated with himself, "don't say anything yet, please," he moved to the edge of the stage and sat down, pulling his messenger bag to his side as he swung his legs softly, "carly, i'm a piece of work. i'm... i've killed people," this probably made no sense, but he couldn't stop now. this was the plan, to tell her right away. he couldn't lie to her anymore, "i'm a criminal carly. i have been for years. it's a part, well, it was a part of my family," he looked at a wall, focusing his eyes on the vibrant green exit sign, "the irish mob is a real thing, you know," he paused momentarily, not releasing his gaze of the neon sign, "i don't expect you to be okay with this. but i couldn't keep it from you anymore. you didn't deserve to be in the dark anymore." at least he'd gotten it out. that was the bare minimum for the moment. no need to freak her out with details.

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(STATUS) finished. (TAGGED) carly! <3 (WORDS) 1,740 (OUTFIT) click. (COMMENTS) poor thing. i feel for her. and i hope it's okay that i just jumped into the confession? (CREDITS) me on it all. lyrics from garrett hedlund's "timing is everything."

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[caroline isabelle sutton]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 20px solid #7D463F; border-bottom:20px solid #7D463F; border-top:20px solid #7D463F; border-right: 20px solid #7D463F;] carly couldn't believe this was happening. jamie being a criminal was one thing. friends that she hadn't talked to in ages and now considered ex-friends or friends on hiatus were criminals and that wasn't a big deal because she didn't really associated with them anymore. flynn was a whole other matter. this was a man she trusted, a man she'd trusted pretty much since the day she'd met him. what the hell was going on here?! carly of course was happy that he was back and happy that he was safe but the moment he'd confessed to her she was totally and completely stunned. this was a man she'd left alone with her daughter. this was a man she'd let take lily out to the park and on play dates and everything. the part of her brain that loved flynn and wanted this not to be true tried to rationalize what was going on. he was a killer...he was a criminal...but he wasn't some child-groping disgusting pig. he wasn't a pedophile. he wasn't trying to sell off her daughter to the highest bidder. in fact flynn had never really proved to carly that he was anything but trustworthy. he had always been there for her through thick and thin, even if he did always disappear all the time. was that related? were the stories of his grandmother being sick just total bullshit? was she really just some healthy old bat or someone who had been dead for years but was just some really good excuse for why he was always gone? even though she wanted desperately to believe that flynn meant nothing but the best and was finally coping to his faults by telling her about all of this she wouldn't help but to wonder if everything he'd ever told her was just one big continuous lie. was his name even really flynn? was he really as old as he'd told her? was he even really irish? there was so much about a person that one could fake that it was easy to assume everything they'd ever had was just one big lie. had he used her in some way? had she just been some human shield to him to use as he saw fit when the world fell apart around them one day? her mind was reeling. it was one thing for the object of her lust to be a criminal. objects of lust were often dangerous and mysterious and tugged at those strings in a woman that begged for her to want to "change him for the better" and make him a man suitable for the real world. he was the type that screamed danger and beware and carly was just an idiot for not seeing the signs. flynn was a whole other matter. he wasn't someone she wanted in her bed he was someone she trusted. he was something she TRUSTED! she followed him to the stage as he sat down and she listened in stunned silence as he went on and on, trying to find the right words to tell her that he was just like everyone else. he was a bad man and she'd just opened up her life to him. like everyone else she'd let in who she shouldn't. he was just another criminal. she was dumbfounded as his confession about killing people came to the surface and she visibly winced and leaned away. he was such a kind person to her. he was such a good man. he was someone who she had let get close to her daughter because she'd looked into his eyes and she hadn't seen a bad person. how could she have been so wrong? carly knew that maybe she was overreacting. flynn had never done anything to her or to lily to elicit and kind of harsh response from her but the mother in her shrank back in fear. as his confession came to a stop carly sat still in silence. she let it all sink in, her mind flashing to the hundreds of times she'd let him get close to her and he daughter. all the times they'd gone out together and hung out, eating lunch or just playing the park. all the times someone could have seen them together and thought she was a perfect target to hurt him. all the times the tabloids had followed them and plastered pictures of them in the newspapers which stood in the newsstands for days at a time until a better celebrity story came along. there were pictures of she and lily with him. anyone who ever wanted to hurt him only had to google his name and pictures of carly would come up, smiling as she looked over at him, holding one of lily's hands as flynn held the other. carly was already a target for the russians. now what? what other underground, shady figure did she have to worry about lurking in the shadows? who else did she have to fear was after her? what other family organizations would want her head on a spit just to piss off someone who carly wasn't even associated with?! she shook with anger before she swung her arm around, cracking flynn in the mouth with a tight-fisted punch that would have put famous boxers to shame. she wasn't one of those pretty little things who did the open handed slap that would sting like a bitch but otherwise leave no mark. no she punched. he deserved to wear the brand of her anger. he deserved to feel the pain for a week to come and remember just how much he'd driven her to do this. "you son of a bitch. i let you into my family! you realize there are pictures of lily and i with you! RIGHT?! what happens when someone wants to get back at you for doing something to them and comes after me and my daughter? huh!? you know how many pictures there are of the three of us walking around valkyrie? everyone knows we live here. you just put us in so much more danger flynn! how could you?" she pushed to her feet and scrambled away from his, raking her fingers through her hair even though one of her hands throbbed like crazy. something was probably broken but carly was so hopped up on fear and adrenaline that she couldn't stop to care about that right now. she took a few more steps away from him, turning her back to him as she sunk to her knees, he head hanging as she shook it in shame. "i should have known better. i should have known all those stories about some sick grandmother was bullshit and that you were involved in something. you never could give me a straight answer. that should have been the first fucking clue." she said as tears fell, her hands reaching up to brush them away as she sank back onto her butt. she wanted him to comfort her just about as much as she didn't. she wanted him to be the friend she knew was there but he was a criminal. his hands were coated in blood and he'd been gone probably killing someone or doing something else that would put carly and her daughter into danger just through association. "why is everyone so determined to me and my daughter on a hit list?" she said to herself between sobs as she held her head in her hands. notes, --. word count, 1,249 thanks brooklyn from caution

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[flynn nolan rooney]

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---FLYNN ROONEY HAD SPENT WEEKS NUMBING HIMSELF, trying to stop feeling not only the pain and hurt, but everything. he didn’t want to feel anything anymore. there was something about walking into the place you grew up to see your entire family dead that made a guy rethink his life, and the only thing flynn had decided was no more secrets with people he cared about, and that he was sick of feeling. happiness, sadness, pain, suffering, anger... he was sick of feeling it all. it was too much, and overall, the bad was outweighing the good by far. he wished, desperately hoped, that there could be some switch to flick, like an off button, and voila, the emotions would be gone. he couldn't do that though, nobody could. so instead he'd been working at it, slowly but surely, and with the help of some whiskey. every day the pain he felt for his family, the guilt, it went away a little bit. every single day he felt less, and then it finally got to the point where he had checked himself into a haze. the days began to blur together, a nihilistic shroud darkening his world into a foggy blackness. there wasn't a point anymore, that's what he told himself every day when he woke up, because he didn't want there to be a point anymore. he was free falling into a naked void, empty and bear of anything enlightening. there was nothing left, right? he had to believe that, and yet he couldn't make himself do it. that was where the whiskey came in. all the pain he couldn't drown out through his own shallow convictions would be washed into the depths of the ocean with blood and alcohol. maybe someday he could do it on his one, that he would have those concrete walls up and stable, and then maybe he would be okay, but that didn't seem likely that the moment. before this all happened, he felt too much, and he loved feeling. he loved his life. and now it had all come crashing down on him, his entire world in shambles, the gates of his heart melted away to reveal broken buildings and cracked roads. it was empty now, totally empty. it was a step closer to his goal. he'd felt nothing for a while now. nothing at all, and it was exactly what he wanted.

but seeing carly? being around her? it was like taking a sledge hammer to his newly iced heart. everything came back, all the feelings, good and bad. it was pressing a rewind button on all his progress. he couldn't not feel, and that hurt, and it made him reconsider his decision to come back. maybe it would have been better for carly if he'd just disappeared, or if he'd died. anything would be better for her than this, because she could have been blissfully unaware her entire life and she would have always loved and cherished his memory. now that seemed impossible. this seemed to put a hole in their relationship that would never heal completely, it could possibly be held together by a band aid, but flynn couldn't imagine carly forgiving him, and she was the most forgiving person he knew. he didn't blame her, either. in fact, he was beginning to loathe himself. all these emotions came with carly, and it added to the hurt, the guilt he felt about his family. he knew he was a sick piece of humanity, a disgrace, but he didn't regret telling her. the thing he regretted was meeting her, was inserting himself into her life. he should have walked away when he had the chance, because realistically, he couldn't walk away anymore. carly was his family, and one thing hadn't changed, and that was the fact that he loved his family. they should always come first. so how selfish had he been to be a part of carly's life? he put her in danger, and not only her, but lily. really they'd never been in much danger. flynn was a smuggler, and he was invisible. he would be surprised if any of the head honchos could even remember his name. they didn't care about him, he was an invalid. he wasn't the one who betrayed them, and they wouldn't miss him now that he had decided to disassociate himself with the group. breaking away during a revolution was the easiest way to go unseen. they wouldn't come for him, he was sure. usurping an organization can't be easy, they wouldn't have time to seek after flynn, and they wouldn't care enough unless he acted against them. he was safe, which meant people he loved were safe. or they could have been, had his family not acted out in support of the selwyn's. the selwyn's weren't there to back them though, they disappeared to save their own skins. if he hated anybody, it was them. they ran the organization into the ground, and they weren't around to defend those loyal to them.

flynn hadn't expected carly to be happy. he hadn't thought she'd be ecstatic or friendly or forgiving. he expected her to be infuriated, to hate him. but the punch? he definitely hadn't seen the punch coming. his hand immediately flew to his jaw, rubbing it as he took a step towards carly, more worried about her hand than himself. that was a mighty fine swing, and it would probably leave a bruise in the morning, but he thought he heard a crack, and he was positive that it wasn't his jawbone breaking. "Carly," he began, but it sounded more like a plea. he stood still, frozen as she went on. it was true, it was all so incredibly true. why hadn't it occurred to him? because he was so... anonymous, maybe. but he never dreamed of somebody coming after carly. it wouldn't happen, he was sure. it really had never been a fear for him. and if it did, well he was sure as hell going to make sure nothing happened, even if he died trying. he'd turn himself to his enemies before he let anybody hurt carly. not to mention his entire family was just killed. anybody who hated him should be satisfied, if they existed, right? it was surreal to think about. "carly," he said again when she finished, with more force this time, "i swear i will never let anything happen to you," there was a fiery conviction in his voice. he followed her up, watching her scramble around the stage in sheer panic. "i promise you, you're safe. i'd go to hell if it meant keeping you safe," he didn't expect her to be consoled by his words, but he had to say it, he had to make it clear than keeping she and lily safe had become his number one priority. they were the top of his list, the last people left. if he had to walk through fire for them, he'd do it. carly was more than his friend, she was his sister. even if she hated him and never wanted to see him again, he'd always be watching in the wings to make sure she was okay. what other purpose did he have anymore? love would never work out for him. this mess with carly was a preview, as was the death of his family. anybody he cared about would be at risk, and they wouldn't want to be. he didn't blame them. he would disappear right now if he thought caroline sutton would be better of that way. he would live in antarctica and eat penguins for the rest of his life if it meant she could be okay.

it was physically painful for him to watch her crumple to the floor in tears. he had nothing to say back, because it was all true. somehow, a simple sorry didn't seem to suffice, it didn't sound sincere enough. sorry didn't cut it this time, and it shouldn't. he would react the same way in her shoes, and if he was a woman. flynn had a feeling that if regan found out it wouldn't be quite this dramatic, more like a man slap in the face, a sorry, and a bro-hug. that was how they worked. but then again, regan didn't have a kid to worry about. he wasn't a widely renown celebrity. the situations were different. he didn't mean to be mad, but he was getting frustrated that carly thought he would so irresponsibly put she and lily in danger. it was such a confusing situation. should he go to her? hug her? he didn't think she wanted him to touch her. instead he got down on the stage on one knee, in front of her. he was silent for a moment, not knowing what to do or say. "carly, i lied to you a lot, i know it," he said, firm and steady, "but one thing that was always real was how much i love you and lily," he was silent again, looking at the sleek stage instead of her. he didn't want to see her cry. this was the mother of all juxtapositions; a gold heart, and a black one, a white hand, and a red one, innocence and guilt. how could he have brought her into this? he wished he could go back and avoid meeting her, that he had never grown to care about somebody who was so good so much, because he was black as night. he wasn't sure which would win out. would her light be engulfed in his darkness? or would it illuminate his shattered world? it sounded dramatic, and even romantic, but it was neither. she was the last person he cared about, the last thing keeping him from falling into an inescapable abyss. he looked down at his bag, sliding his hand into it before pulling out a little black box with a white ribbon on it. his mother's locket was there. it had been passed down through generations, from daughter to daughter, and then she had all boys. flynn took it, the only thing he took from his childhood home before he sold it to the highest bidder. there was a black and white picture of he and his family on one side, and a picture of he, carly, and lily on the other. he didn't know what else to do with it, but he thought it should be with somebody his mother would have adored, somebody as good as her. carly was the only person he knew like that. he pushed it across the stage and it came to a stop a few feet in front of carly. "i'm sorry," he said, though it sounded weak. he slowly got to his feet and made his way towards the exit, glancing back to still see her on her knees, tears still streaming down her face, and then he left. she needed time, and he needed to be willing to give it to her. in the meantime, he could use a drink.

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(STATUS) finished. (TAGGED) carly! <3 (WORDS) 1,850 (OUTFIT) click. (COMMENTS) sad thread </3 (CREDITS) me on it all. lyrics from garrett hedlund's "timing is everything."

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